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The Life Of: Lou Pearlman- unfinished
By: Your Webmistresses (mostly Lee)

Troy walked slowly around the corner. He shuddered when he heard the wheezing and groaning sounds coming from inside the room. He stood outside the doorway, took a deep breath, and walked in…

          Lou Pearlman was holding his stomach. The groaning and wheezing noises were coming from it. Troy walked over to him. “Here is your food: Five 12 piece chickens, three double hamburgers, large fries, and jumbo soda.” Troy handed the food to him.

          Lou still glared at him. Suddenly Troy knew why. “Green and red ketchup, plain and honey mustard, barbecue sauce, and sweet and sour sauce.” Troy handed them to Lou.

          Lou started to try to open a ketchup packet, and spoke with a serious tone when he said, “ Good job, Troy. I see I have taught you well.”

Then he gave up with the ketchup packet and handed it to Troy. “Open this, will you?” Troy muttered, “Yet you are still learning how to open a ketchup packet.

          Lou looked at him. “What did you say?”

          Troy said, “I learn from the best.”

          Lou said, “I like you, Troy. You’re the best butler I’ve had since Floyd left to be someone else’s butler. Bob was good too. So was Gertrude. Can’t forget Max. He made the best lasagna ever!”

          Suddenly Lou gave Troy a hopeful look and practically gave him the sad puppy face. “Can you make lasagna, Troy?”

          Of course, Lou’s sad puppy face looked more like road kill, so Troy had the hardest time not laughing. “I…” He started, but Lou cut him off.

          “Great!” Lou said. “You can start right now! The cook will show you where everything is.”

          “You just reminded me. The cook quit and said you are a greedy money hog and that he was offered another job where he is paid more than $10.00 a week.”

          “He said that? Well I don’t need him. I’ve got you, Troy.” Lou said.

          “I’m the butler! I can’t be a cook too!” Troy protested.

          “Oh. You have a point there.” Lou said. “I know! You could look for another cook for me!”

          “Sure.” Troy said. As he walked out the door he muttered, “At least he forgot about the lasagna.”

          “Troy! I almost forgot! The lasagna! Make it! Now!”

          Troy sighed and walked toward the kitchen.

The next day…

          “Troy! Help! I’m lost! I knew I should’ve bought a smaller mansion!”

          Troy sighed and picked up the cell phone. “Don’t worry, Lou.”

         Troy heard crying. “Hurry! I’m scared!” Lou yelled.

          Troy called the police number (not 911). He asked for Iam For Snobs.

          “Hello?” he answered.

          “Hi. It’s Troy. Lou’s lost again.”

          “I’ll be right there.”

          They hung up, and Troy yelled, “The police are coming to save you.”

An hour later…

Iam and Troy found Lou huddled up in a corner. “I’m saved!” he cried.

          Iam looked at Troy, then Troy whispered, “Play along. This way we get in the newspaper and on TV.”

          “Ohhhhhhhh.” Iam replied. After he left, Troy had to give the lasagna to Lou.

          “Oh, goody! I can’t wait!” Lou said.

Troy brought it out. Lou straightened his bib, stuck the fork in, and put it in his mouth. Troy stared at him expectantly. Lou chewed…and chewed…and chewed…and chewed…and chewed… and chewed…and finally he swallowed. “Well?” Troy asked, doing his best not to laugh. He secretly put rubber in the lasagna and the inside was warmed ketchup.

Finally, Lou put down the fork and said, “Troy, I think you should start looking for my new cook right now.”

Troy almost laughed but caught himself. “Sure thing, Lou.”

“And when you find him, give him this recipe.”

Troy was shocked and appalled. He slowly walked out of the dining room.

The following day…

“Troy! Help! I got to 16th letter of the alphabet and I can’t find the bathroom!”

Troy (Sighing) called back, “This happens every morning.”

Lou called, “You’re right! I remember where it is now! Thanks, Troy!”

“You’re welcome, Lou.”


 Troy started for the elevator, which would lead him to another elevator, which leads to the stairs, which leads to the hallway, which leads only to the front door. Troy went to the newly installed intercom and said to Lou, “The new cook is here.” Troy opened the door, and welcomed the guest. His name was Obvert Himont Limacine.

Lou headed towards the elevator, which would lead him to another elevator, which leads to the stairs, which leads to the hallway, which leads only to the front door. “Troy? Where are you?”

“We’re in parlor #1.”

“Oh, okay.” Lou walked in. “Hello. Who are you?”

Troy said, “This is your new cook.”

Lou looked at the new cook. “What’s your name?” he asked politely.

“Obvert Himont Limacine.”


“My name is Obvert Himont Limacine.”

“Um…okay…could you write that down for me?”

Troy handed Obvert a napkin and a pen, and he wrote down:

             Obvert Himont Limacine

“Okay…well, how about your résumé?”

“Résumé? Oh. Um…” Obvert said.

“You know what? Forget it. Why don’t you just cook breakfast for me, Troy, and yourself.”

“Okay, boss. Or would you rather me call you Master Lou?”

“I like you, um…um…(looking at piece of paper) um…Obvert!”


When Obvert left for the kitchen, Troy went with him. He whispered to Obvert, “He’s nice now, but if you’re not on his good side in an hour, or he doesn’t like your food, he’s evil. Trust me. I’m friends with his past cook.”

He gave Obvert a warning look.

Obvert looked frightened, so Troy said, “You’re on his good side already, so you have nothing to worry about.”

“Good,” said Obvert. “What should I make Master Lou for breakfast?”

          “He likes waffles and pancakes and eggs and bacon and toast.”

          “Which one of those should I make?”

          Troy laughed. “Sorry, I forgot to tell you. Lou eats a lot! In order for him to be full, you should make all of those things. Can’t you tell Lou eats a lot by looking at him?”

          Obvert peeked through the window. “I guess you’re right.”

          Troy said, “Well, you better hurry.” Troy walked back into the dining room.

          “What’s taking him so long?” Lou asked impatiently.

          Troy sat down. “He couldn’t find…um…flour and butter and the refrigerator. And the oven.”

          “Oh.” said Lou. “I always have trouble with that too. Of course, I haven’t been in there for a couple months. I don’t cook and I have you serve me the food.”

          Troy got up and moved to a chair further away from Lou.

          20 minutes later, Obvert returned to the dining room. “I made pancakes, waffles, eggs, bacon, and toast. Your beverages are orange juice, apple juice or coffee.”

          “Let’s eat!” Lou yelled, and dug into the food. After finishing all his food, he told Obvert, who had just started eating, “This is great! Congratulations! You’ve got the job!”

          Obvert said, “Thank you, Master Lou.”

          “You can call me Lou. Just Lou.”

          “Okay, Just Lou.

          Lou said. “You’re joking, right?”

          “Yes, Lou.”

          “Good.” Said Lou.

Just then the lights went out. Lou screamed. After that, Troy and Obvert screamed, but not because of the lights. Why?

Lou’s teeth were glowing. “I knew I shouldn’t have bought that fluorescent tooth bleach!”

    “Obvert, stay here. I’m getting a flashlight.” Troy directed.

    “What about me?” said Lou, scared.

    “You’re my light.” Said troy.

    So off they went, with Lou's teeth lighting the way. They eventually disappered from Obvert's sight. After about 10 minutes of walking through various halls, doors, and going up and down a few elevators, they found the fuse box/security room. Troy found that the security system was put on the “I’m being attacked by an army” setting when lightning had hit the mansion. Metal bars went across the doors, and all windows were bolted shut. They were trapped.

“We’re trapped!” yelled Lou.

"Thank you captain obvious" muttered Troy.


"Huh?" Troy looked at him with a blank look on his face. Lou stared back, confused. Obvert walked in.

“Don’t worry. We’ll find a way out of here.” Troy reassuringly lied.

“Good.” Said Lou, actually believing him.

“How often do these things happen?” asked Obvert.

“This is the first time since I’ve worked here.” said Troy.

“Oh.” Said Obvert.

“We’re gonna die! We’re gonna die!” Lou cried, tightening his grip on Troy’s leg.

“No we’re not!” Troy yelled.

“Yes we are!”

“No we’re not!”

“Yes we are!”

“No we’re not!”

“Yes we are!”

“No we’re not!”

“Yes we are!”

“No we’re not!”

“Yes we are!”

“No we’re not!”

“Yes we are!”

“NO WE'RE NOT!!!!!” Troy screamed at the top of his lungs.

Lou stuck out his tongue, then crawled over to Obvert and latched onto his leg. “Meanie!” he mumbled.

Troy and Obvert looked at each other and shook their heads.

All of a sudden Lou gasped and jumped up.

“What now?” Troy asked, not really caring.

“What will my fans do when they find out that I died a slow, painful death?” Lou said, sounding frightened.

Troy looked at Obvert, and he just couldn’t help it. He started laughing, and kept laughing as Lou pouted and walked away. Obvert started laughing too. “What fans?” he asked, and then started laughing all over again.

          “Yeah, well, you know what people would do when they find out Lou died a slow, painful death?” Troy said, sounding serious.


          “Cheer!” Troy said, and they started laughing all over again.

    When they finally stopped, Obvert said, “But we’re not going to die from this blackout. Why would Lou have a slow, painful death?”

          “Because I’ll probably strangle him before the blackout’s over!” Troy replied. Laughing again, they started for the kitchen. As soon as they stepped on the tile, Lou came out of nowhere and was suddenly right behind them.

          “How’d you get here so quick?” Obvert asked.

          “How’d you know we were here?” Troy asked.

          “Hey”, Lou said, “I know the sounds of my kitchen.”

            Obvert looked at Troy, but they stopped themselves from laughing again.

          "What can we eat?" Lou asked Troy eagerly.

           "I don't know. Obvert, you're the cook. You find something."Troy said to Obvert.

            "Let's look in the pantry first." Obvert said. He started to read aloud all the names of the food he saw. "Cheese doodles, Doritos, Fritos, Potato Chips, Herr's Variety Snack Pack, Frito Lay Variety Snack Pack, Wise Variety Snack Pack..."He looked at Lou, then Troy. Lou left the room.

        "I know, I know. He made me buy all this the day before you came." Troy said to Obvert. He looked around. "Where'd Lou go?" Troy said.

Just then, Lou walked back in, faster than usual.

        "Well, what do you want to eat?" Obvert asked Lou.

        "I don't care. What do you guys want?" Lou said.

        Troy looked at him, confused. "Are you feeling okay?" he asked.

        "Of course. Why?" Lou asked, surprised.

        "You always know what you want to eat, and you never ask for my, or anyone else's, opinion."Troy replied.

        "Oh, yeah, um...uh...I was just kidding." Lou said uncertainly.

        Troy and Obvert looked at him doubtfully.

        Obvert walked back into the walk-in pantry and finally pulled out a blue box. "How about some EasyMac?" Obvert asked.

        "Fine by me. Don't say anything Troy, 'cuz like you said, I don't want other people's opinions." Lou said.

        "Yeah...right." Troy said, still confused.

        "Okay..."Obvert said, walking out of the walk-in pantry.